Every time I enter a bookstore, I am astounded by the sheer volume of literature available. All those books were written not by gods, but by flesh and blood human beings just like me. Why then, when I sit down to write, do I feel as if I couldn’t possibly accomplish what these men and women have?
Throughout my years of formal schooling I was considered a talented and instinctive writer. My mother still has short stories and research papers with glowing comments from English teachers. Books were my passion and words flowed from my hand with ease, no matter the topic. However, when the time came to choose a college major, practicality trumped creativity and I settled for a career with a guaranteed return on investment.
It would be self-indulgent to blame my parents for my career choice; they only wanted what was “best” for me and considered a degree in English Literature about as useful as one in Art History. The final decision was mine, and I dare say my life would not be as rich and colorful today had I taken a different route.
If I had chosen to make writing my life, I would have been forced to do it with no way out. Instead, I now find myself in the privileged position of wanting to – not needing to – write. Why would someone so blessed feel so tortured? I have so many ideas, enough to fill an entire bookshelf, yet I can never get past the first three pages of a new writing project without stopping to criticize my work until I find it so pathetic that I abandon it entirely. I even named my most recent undertaking “Another hopeless novel”, because I couldn’t be bothered to come up with a witty title for something that would obviously not be seen through to fruition.
The main problem is not my writing talent, it is my fear of failure. More specifically, it’s about failing and not finding anything or anyone to blame except myself. When you launch a business, you are obviously not guaranteed success. If it flourishes, it is due to your entrepreneurial talents, of course. If it fails, you can easily blame the slumping economy, the market segment, the employees, the product manufacturers, or any number of scapegoats that will aid you in escaping with your dignity unscathed. When you write, if the book succeeds it’s because of you. If it fails, the culprit is one and the same.
Why must fear of failure be so paralyzing? It is like hot melted tar, oozing around all facets of my life and hardening around my feet as I try to take a step in a new direction. I’m surprised I’ve been able to accomplish anything in my life; most of the time, I won’t try a new activity if I feel I will not excel at it from the beginning. When I am faced with a situation where my talents and immediate success are in doubt, I will lash out at imaginary culprits or procrastinate until a viable scapegoat is found.
If I can’t run as far as I feel I should be able to, I blame my tight sports bra for not allowing me room to breathe. If I can’t climb a steep hill on my bike, I blame Mr. T for riding too fast or for talking and distracting me. When I was learning to rock climb, months went by before I could try any bold moves that might require missing a hold and relying on my harness and rope to keep me up, because in my head that simply meant I wasn’t good enough. And don’t even get me started on pop quizzes!! I go into full panic mode if I haven’t been given enough warning to achieve a perfect score. Sadly, these same feelings of inadequacy paralyze my writing after only two or three pages.
I would very much like to overcome my fear of failure. I want to not have to be perfect in order to enjoy something. I yearn to participate in activities simply for the joy they bring, and not for the sense of achieved perfection that must undoubtedly accompany them.
I guess life is like rock climbing: In order to reach the top I must be willing to risk a few slips, knowing that the safety harness and rope of my education and the unconditional support of my partner will be there to catch me if I tumble.
Dog is My Co-Pilot 
January 31, 2007 at 12:14 pm
Wow. It’s like you read my diary. Except I don’t have one. And the part about sports bras wasn’t really applicable. But the rest was.
I’ll tell you what. How about if we inspire one another? Then we can encourage one another when we start to falter after page two.
January 31, 2007 at 3:02 pm
TwoByFour, I see you on Drunken Housewife! Nice to see you again!
Ok, Miss Writer Pants…have you seen the movie Throw Mama From The Train? In that movie Billy Crystal says, “A writer, writes.” You are already a writer, you write almost everyday in your blog. Take the same motivation you have with your blog and apply it to your novel.
You write your blog just for the hell of it. Do the same with your novel. Your blog is about two pages per post, write two pages a day for your novel. Use your blog as a warm up for your novel. After you post to your blog, open up a new window and write our novel. OH! Better yet…start your novel ON A BLOG!!!!! Make it password protected so only you and a very select group of people (me and 2×4 🙂 ) can read it! (or not!)
The point is…you ARE a writer and a writer writes. So get to writing!
PS:The Sports Writer and I both went to college on journalism scholarships. He
co-wrote a book that you can buy on Amazon and freelances all over the place. I had a very bad experience with a missed deadline and let my perfectionism derail my blossoming career.
You ARE a writer…write.
January 31, 2007 at 4:19 pm
2×4 – If only I knew how to inspire others, I can’t even inspire myself. But if you have any ideas, throw ’em out there.
tex – Thanks for the cheerleading! I really like your idea of posting on a password-protected blog every day. It makes it seem less daunting. I will do it, I will write! 🙂
January 31, 2007 at 6:54 pm
WRITE ON!
January 31, 2007 at 7:19 pm
the fear of failure stops many of us… but just think of all the things we wouldn’t get to read or know or see or whathaveyou if people let fear of failure stop them? keep on trying!
January 31, 2007 at 7:50 pm
My blog has been my way of geting over those exact fears. I made myself a promise when I started writing it that I would never alter a post after the fact except to correct glaring spelling errors.
It has boosted my confidence greatly. If nothing else I can go to my archives, read them and say, damn I don’t hate that. Readers coming back to my blog are also a sign that I write well enough to hold an audience to some degree.
I am almost to the point of starting on one of the novel ideas I’ve had forever. A year of blogging has taught me I can do it.
Sometimes learning that you have the ability is enough to get you over the fears.
February 1, 2007 at 1:08 am
I loved this post. Almost everything you said, and put very eloquently, I might add, resonated with me. I love your rock climbing analogy. I have to say though, that me, I get so focused on the rocks and the moment, and on the physical puzzle in front of me, that I forget everything else, including fear of failure. And I have no problem relying on the rope and harness to catch me. I wish I felt like I had the faith to try hard things and let myself fall in other areas of my life.
February 1, 2007 at 1:29 am
Lisa – Glad to know I’m not alone. Rock climbing has taught me that falling is not always a bad thing, as it allows you to view your potential paths with a new perspective. Huh, maybe I should write a whole post about rock climbing = life. 🙂
February 1, 2007 at 5:43 pm
I hear you…I was in a very similar situation growing up, and it’s just recently been revealed to me that writing is what I’m supposed to be doing. The second I realized that and made the decision to OWN that as a part of me, things just started falling into place. I am in fact, in the middle of a blog post about the very same topic!!
I think though, that that “fear” may stem from how important writing is to you. When something is so precious and sacred to you, and so much just a part of WHO YOU ARE, it’s hard to expose it for all the world to see. It’s like laying yourself bare and being totally vulnerable, and you want to keep it as safe as possible. Things happen when the timing is right. I really believe that.
February 1, 2007 at 6:06 pm
Shellz, I think you nailed it! It’s who I am, and if I fail at it, then who am I?? Wow, that’s so powerful, thanks for pointing it out! Your positive attitude is such an inspiration (but I think I’ve said that before!!) 😉
February 2, 2007 at 7:43 am
i know this sounds very profound, but what is successful writing? for me it’s the process more than the end result. and when that process is so good, so captivating, how can it lead to anything but a great result?
does that make sense? if you write for the love of seeing the words, seeing your thoughts, and not for some far off goal, you can’t fail.
February 2, 2007 at 11:24 am
The thing about writing, especially writing with the intention to be published– is that you will fail. There’s no question about it. All published writers (self included) have failed — not fininshed a project, been rejected by publishers, etc. It comes with the territory.
BUT you have to think of it the way Edison did. When he was inventing the lightbulb, he never looked at his failures as failures but as valuable information needed to get ever closer to the creation of his lightbulb.
The ones who make it as a writer (published or not) are the ones who don’t get caught up in the “success” or “failure” of writing, but who write simply because they love the act of writing.
I don’t mean that in a preachy way but as an encouragement to just keep going.
As far as finishing a book, it might help to know that all first drafts are supposed to suck. They’re just for getting down the bones of the story. It’s the rewrites that give it the flesh and blood. And it may be several rewrites before you have a living, breathing story.