Dear Ashley, Rachel, and Cristina,

It is with great pleasure that I would like to request your participation as my bridesmaids in my upcoming wedding. Yes, I know Mr. T has not yet proposed, but really, that’s just a technicality. He doesn’t understand that there’s lots to be done; I should know, I plan these things for a living!

The most important aspect of the wedding, as far as you’re concerned, should be to make me look good. Isn’t that the job of every bridesmaid? With that in mind, I have made a few dress selections. All three of you are very pretty girls, so I had to find dresses that… um… played down your most attractive features. But don’t worry, I can assure you they are all amazing dresses which, with a little hemming, you’ll be able to wear to cocktail parties for years to come! I know you’re probably very excited to see what you’ll be wearing on my special day. So, without further ado, I give you the bridesmaid dress choices:

Option #1: The Saran Wrap Dress

What? Why are you laughing? InStyle magazine says the wrap dress flatters just about any figure! OK, so I know these dresses are a little poofy, but they really won’t take up any closet space at all. Rachel, you’ll be happy to know they’re bio-degradable. After the wedding, you simply take a match to them and they disappear into thin air! I spoke with the hair dresser, and she assured me she could re-create the hairstyles to accentuate the dresses. Yes, I know you’ll have to get frizzy perms, but isn’t that what friends are for?

Option #2: Civil War Era Bordello Curtain Dress

Being the history buff that I am, I considered a Civil War theme. Doesn’t this material just bring to mind a Southern whorehouse from a bygone era? Never mind that the model wearing this dress looks more pained than pleased; I’m sure it weighs under 25 lbs… Without the petticoats. Just think of how many calories you’ll burn when you try dancing in this dress!! Cristina, the fact that you think nobody will ask you to dance in this dress is really not something I need to worry about at this stage of the planning process. Geez… *bright smiles* Isn’t this fun?!?!

Option #3: Wedding in the Vineyards

Doesn’t this dress make you think “vineyards”? Look, the skirt is the grape and your feet are the stem! No, Ashley, I didn’t say, “Doesn’t this dress make you want to drown your sorrows in a bottle of wine?” Are you SURE you want to be my bridesmaid? All right, I know what you’re thinking: When the photographer takes pictures of you, the flash will bounce off the dress and make you look fat. But seriously, with a waistline that comes up just under your boobs, will the five pounds the camera adds make THAT much difference?

All right ladies, discuss amongst yourselves. If you need assistance in choosing a dress, I’m sure my faithful readers can help you in the comments section.