This morning, my friend R. sent me one of those funny e-mails about what women say and what they really mean. It went something like this:

FINE“: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES“: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING“: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

GO AHEAD“: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

((((Loud Sigh)))): This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

THAT’S OKAY“: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

WHATEVER“: This is a women’s way of saying F**K YOU!

I forwarded it to Mr. T with a smiley face and a message: “Consider yourself warned.”

This evening, Mr. T called me to tell me that although we had plans to spend the weekend together, he had just been invited to climb Mount Whitney with some acquaintances.

Mr. T: I’d really like to go, if it’s o.k. with you.

Me: (((sigh))) Sure honey, go ahead.

Mr. T: I just don’t want you to be upset, because we had talked about spending Sunday together but you have your writing class on Saturday afternoon, so I thought I could leave Thursday to go climbing and return some time on Sunday.

Me: Sweetie, that’s fine. It’s just that I never get to see you more than five minutes during the week but mumble, mumble…

Mr. T: What did you say?

Me: Oh, nothing.

Mr. T: So you won’t be upset if I go?

Me: Darling, it’s O.K.

Silence on the other end of the line. Then, noises like Mr. T typing on a keyboard.

Mr. T: Uh oh.

Me: What’s wrong?

Mr. T: I just re-read the e-mail you sent me this morning and translated your responses. I’m in trouble, aren’t I?

Me: Whatever.


(For the record, I really do think he should go.)