I pulled up to the Salvation Army parking lot today and removed from my car the long white garment bag that held my wedding dress. For a moment I hesitated before making my way towards the drop-off area. I wanted to peek inside the bag, run my fingers over the embroidery one last time, and say goodbye to a piece of my past.
I’m not usually emotional about material things; living like a nomad for over three decades has taught me to let go without looking back. However, that dress and I have been through quite a lot together…
I became engaged to R. in November 2000. He proposed in the bathroom of his studio apartment, surprising me with a diamond ring as I emerged from the shower with mascara still smudging my face. We moved in together two months later and chose September 15, 2001 as our wedding date. Yes, that September. With more than two thirds of the guest list required to fly into Miami. Thank God for unanswered prayers, is all I can say about THIS wedding! But I digress…
I didn’t have any friends in Miami, only acquaintances from work. I asked one of them to accompany me to a wedding dress store, where I tried on five dresses and left with the first one I was shown. My mother, who lived in Mexico City, was disillusioned that I hadn’t waited to go dress shopping with her. I have always been and will always be the anti-bride, which is surprising (or completely understandable) considering my line of work. I just wanted to get the dress, find the venue, and be married. Hey, accomplishing two out of three ain’t bad…
Four months before the wedding, with the dress bought and the venue booked, I arrived home to find R. smoking pot in his underwear in the middle of the afternoon. My fiance had been dismissed from his job as a financial adviser for failing to convince old people to invest in a volatile stock market with empty promises of impressive returns increase his client base, and with this defeat went all his self-esteem, determination, and ambition. While I worked 60 hours a week and commuted three hours every day to keep up with the mortgage payments, and at the same time cooked, cleaned, and cheered R. on, he spiraled into depression and waited in his underwear for the opportunity he felt would soon arrive as if by magic, because – dammit! – he felt he had it coming.
What he had coming was a postponement of the nuptials by yours truly. I secretly found an apartment close to my job and I confirmed my move only when he discovered an Apartment Guide in the glove box of my car. I didn’t return the ring immediately, because he promised he would shape up and regain control of his life. Two months went by and his emotional and financial situation only grew worse, so I returned the ring and broke off the engagement. The wedding dress hung in my closet, a sad reminder of what would never be.
In October 2001 I lost my job in direct correlation with the September 11 attacks. I left everything behind: my apartment, my car, my career… I took two suitcases and a white garment bag containing the wedding dress, and moved back to Mexico City.
Almost a year after returning to my hometown and swearing up and down that I would NEVER marry a Mexican, I met the man who was to become my husband. He was Mexican. He proposed on our first date and I accepted (go ahead, groan all you want, I deserve it). Six months later I married him wearing the wedding dress originally intended for my previous wedding. Does that make me a bad person? Is there some sort of bad karma involved? I’ve always wondered about that…
Throughout my rocky marriage, the dress hung in my closet. I would look at it from time to time and remember my wedding day, when all seemed perfect and the future was bright. We moved five times during our almost three years of nightmarish hell marriage, and with each move I left behind furniture, clothes, books… But I always carried the dress with me. Why? I don’t know.
I separated from my husband on Valentine’s day 2006. I took two suitcases, my computer… and my wedding dress. Why? I don’t know.
The dress has been hanging in the closet of my apartment for over a year. Last week, I pulled it out and looked at it. This time, instead of reminding me of that perfect day where the future seemed bright, it made me realize how naive, careless, clueless, and self-destructive I had been in my twenties! It was the same dress, but I was now someone different.
The confused girl who, at 25, bought the embroidered ivory dress with the long train and pearl buttons is long gone. And, may I say: Good riddance! In her place is a woman who has learned the hard way that wedding dresses, diamond rings, and wedding receptions don’t lead to happily ever after if the things that really matter – respect, shared values, true love – are absent.
Today I walked up to the Salvation Army drop-off area and was greeted by a friendly man. He took the garment bag containing the dress and jokingly asked, “Is this for me?”
I replied, “It’s my wedding dress, but if it fits you it’s all yours.”
“Your wedding dress?”, he asked with a smile. “Well, congratulations!”
I smiled back. Congratulations, indeed.
March 30, 2007 at 3:09 am
what an awesome post!
congratulations, indeed. ๐
Thanks, Sizzle! Glad you enjoyed the post.
March 30, 2007 at 4:46 am
Girl, now THERE’S a screenplay to be sent to Hollywood, it sounds like you’ve lived three lifetimes in half a decade.
“Six months later I married him wearing the wedding dress originally intended for my previous wedding. Does that make me a bad person? Is there some sort of bad karma involved?”
NonononoNO! You are a good person, who just didn’t want to go through the whole wedding dress rigmarole again, and I don’t think you could have bad karma if you tried. Well done on being strong and letting go!
Xo Angie
Hmmm… Maybe I WILL turn it into a screenplay! As long as I can play the starring role. ๐
March 30, 2007 at 12:59 pm
Wow, fab post indeed!
I used to work with a writer who was fascinated by what you could find in the classifieds, especially wedding dresses. He always wanted to know the story behind a wedding dress for sale. Was it a happy marriage and the bride wanted to pass the dress on to someone else who could use it? Or, was it like your story, someone trying to shed a reminder of a not-so-happy past?
Good for you for simply giving it away. It must have been very freeing, even while it was emotional.
Beth, it was TOTALLY freeing. It was as if I had unloaded an elephant!
March 30, 2007 at 2:13 pm
Good for you for letting go of the past! Apparently, physical things can carry the energy associated with a particular time or sequence of events. I find that when you’re in the process of clearing old thought forms/energetic pattterns etc…it’s important to constantly be purging cuz having those things in your environment could hold you back in strange ways!
It sounds like you are really letting go of everything and moving fully into your beautiful Now. Congratulations!
Shellz, you are SO RIGHT about physical things carrying a certain energy. That’s why I am afraid of antiques.
March 30, 2007 at 4:37 pm
Wow! Just…wow! Despite our different backgrounds there are some amazing similarities in our stories.
Cherish that feeling of strength, my friend, and know that you deserve to be happy.
Isn’t it fabulous to be strong and know you can overcome just about anything, Julie?
March 30, 2007 at 6:27 pm
Karma and wedding dresses…that hits close to home. Was is wrong that my best friend shoplifted my wedding dress? Probably. Did the marriage work out? Yes. Four about a month.
Wow, you got some major bad karma at work there! Lesson learned, huh?
March 30, 2007 at 7:46 pm
Mist! OMG! Sorry, you derailed my train of thought.
Ok, back on track – that is an AMAZING story! Isn’t it funny the things we tote around for years and years? This is without a doubt, one of my top 3 favorite of your entries.
Hey, by the way, would you be interested in having an intern? One of my brides has a friend down in S.D. that is interested. Shoot me an email if you’re into it.
Maya, it really IS ridiculous what we tote around. Talk about BAGGAGE!!! ๐
March 30, 2007 at 9:08 pm
Beautiful. Sometimes the best thing to do is separate yourself from things in the past.
Thanks, Neil. I agree with you 100%, although it is very challenging to do so at times. But bravery pays off.
March 30, 2007 at 9:52 pm
Nicole Kidman said her marriage to Tom was doomed because she had bought her wedding dress beforehand.
Now, you and I might think it was doomed for other reasons, but there does seem to be karma in the dress.
But if you’re marrying for the wrong reasons, or to the wrong person, even a Vera Wang can’t save you.
Great post.
Wow, I didn’t know that about Nicole Kidman. Though it might sound silly to some, I think she might have a point. But you’re right: Even a Vera Wang won’t save you if you’re not in it for the real reasons. That’s why next time I’m getting married in a potato sack. For the right reasons.
March 31, 2007 at 1:28 am
Great post. I left my dress behind at the boutique. I didn’t want to be one of those brides who wore her dress around the house for forty years while vacuuming and humming a Bach fugue in D minor waiting to die.
The past is over. Welcome back.
Fringes, it’s good to be back!!! Life is good!! And for the record, I never DID vacuum in my dress. Just in case you were wondering. ๐
March 31, 2007 at 12:50 pm
Wow, I’m speechless.
That was sad, beautiful and inspiring.
Oh, thank you lovemonkey! And thanks for stopping by!!
April 1, 2007 at 2:47 am
Found your blog through Lemon Gloria.
Great post!
April 1, 2007 at 3:41 pm
Oh, I loved this story. It is true that it was like a little movie – I was sitting right there with you as your your first engagement went so sour, rejoicing with you for the fact that you got yourself out of a bad and worsening situation, and yes, in fact, groaning at the marriage proposal on the first date. And waiting and worrying to see how that marriage ended, as I already knew it had.
I absolutely believe in cleaning out physical reminders negativity from the past and moving forward in a positive way. I need to do some of that and am finding it so hard. Congratulations!
April 2, 2007 at 3:42 pm
It’s just an old dress now – glad you let it go.
April 2, 2007 at 5:35 pm
That’s really something how you toted that dress with you with every move you made.
Personally, I think we should all have to wait until we’re in our thirties to marry the first time. I know I wish I would’ve waited. Not that I don’t love The PK, but I am not the same person now (at 38) than I was back then (at 23).
Live and learn, huh? ๐
April 4, 2007 at 10:56 am
You are an amazing woman. Maturity suits you. Some folks get older and resent it. Others age gracefully and get better each year.