As long as the pregnant look is “in”, I fear that the next time I utter the words “I have nothing to wear”, it will be out of a genuine concern for the lack of clothes in my closet.

I went shopping today in preparation for the Spring/Summer season. I love youthful, sexy clothes and was happy to see a large selection of colorful tops at the mall. However, upon trying them on, I was dismayed at what was reflected in the mirror. My cleavage was accentuated, yes. However, below my ample endowments, every single shirt billowed out, giving the impression that I was either:
a. Five months pregnant, or
b. Trying to hide love handles, a muffin top, and/or a pot belly.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the five-month pregnant look, BUT ONLY IF YOU’RE PREGNANT!!! I don’t know a single woman who appreciates being asked how many months along she is, when she’s not pregnant. But with these new shirts, you’re just BEGGING for it!

Additionally, I work out and watch what I eat precisely so I won’t have to wear billowy shirts that hide unsightly bulges. However, it seems that the 60% of people in society who are overweight have won the battle and now even size 4 shirts make every woman look like she’s hiding a beer belly. Is this someone’s sick idea of evening out the playing field?

So until form-fitting tops are back in style, you’ll hear me sighing every so often and lamenting that I have nothing to wear.