Some women obsess about their weight, skin quality, or hair color. I obsess about ovulation.

It all started several years ago, when I was married and wanted to give birth to Satan’s spawn have a child with my husband. Up until that point, I had been a normal woman, conscious only of the fact that I was fertile each month around the middle of my cycle, as had been explained to me in my fifth grade sex education class. However, several factors made me realize that in order to have any luck getting knocked up by my husband’s less than stellar swimmers, I had to take matters into my own hands (not literally, mind you).

I found a website where I could chart my cycle. What the hell is “charting your cycle”, you ask? Well, it’s quite an involved procedure. You basically record the first day of your menstrual cycle on a chart, and take your temperature at the same time each morning immediately after you wake up (before even getting out of bed). You also have to evaluate (if you’re eating, stop reading) the quality of your cervical mucus (don’t say I didn’t warn you) for signs of elasticity, which indicate heightened fertility. Some women even check their cervix every day, but I find that to be overkill. You have to record all these details, along with how you’re feeling that day (horny, tired, bloated) and graph your daily body temperature.

Still reading? Wait, come back! This is where it gets interesting! Science tells us that a woman’s body temperature increases by at least 0.3 degrees on the day after she’s ovulated, and it remains high until the start of her next cycle. So you really only know you were fertile after the fact. Which, as any woman who’s trying to conceive knows, is scientific proof that God is indeed a man. But I digress…

While this method is cumbersome and must be done for at least four months every freaking day in order to establish a reliable pattern, it really opened my eyes to how a woman’s body works. It’s incredibly effective if you want to get pregnant (as long as your husband’s plumbing is working).

It is also a great method of natural family planning (I’m not religious, read on) for women who – like me – are in a committed monogamous relationship and who do not want to pump their bodies full of artificial hormones. When done correctly, it’s more effective than using condoms. Don’t believe me? See for yourself.

The only drawback to this method when used as a means of contraception is that a woman must abstain from “gettin’ it on” precisely on the days where her biological clock is urging her to find the nearest male of the species and drag him kicking and screaming into her lair. This sucks ass (sorry, Lisa, but from a linguistic standpoint it was appropriate).

Do you remember that woman/monster from the movie “Species”, the one who went around violently seducing men because it was “mating season”? That would be me today. If I weren’t in Baja right now, Mr. T would’ve had to call in sick. At times like this, PMS actually looks inviting…