“So-ho,” the groom’s friend breathed in my face, exhaling a waft of pure liquor that made my nostrils itch and my head jerk back involuntarily. “Did you know that Mitch and I have been friends since we were ten?”

“No, I didn’t,” I replied, turning away in disgust as I felt his spittle drizzle my eyelids.

The guest teetered a little, tried to focus his vision and continued. “I find it so hhhhard to believe hhhhe’s now married, cuz I still feel like a kid at hhhheart” he exhaled again. I gave silent thanks that I hadn’t had a chance to eat dinner, because I would’ve lost it right there, a foot from the dance floor.

“I’m just a surf bum,” he reported to nobody in particular, because by that time I was pretending to check my itinerary, trying to keep my face shielded from the sprinkler he was hiding in his mouth. “I love to just ride the waves from sunrise to sunset, that’s the best life.”

He blinked a couple of times and wobbled, a slightly confused look on his face. “You know, I struggle to pay the bills,” he said, genuinely perplexed. I stifled a laugh, and then…

“Did I tell you I’m a semi-professional skateboarder?”

“Oh, look, a centerpiece is on fire. Gotta run! Bye!”