When I get bored at work, I play the “Guess the Guest Game”. It seems that at every wedding I do, guests can be broken down into discernible categories:
The Single Guy: He’s there for one reason, and one reason only: the booze. He sits in the last row during the ceremony and is the first in line at the cocktail hour bar. As soon as he enters the reception, he sheds his jacket and congregates with the rest of the Single Guys. He never respects the seating arrangement and instead drags his chair over to where his buddies are. When dinner is over and the dancing starts, he heads over to the bar, tips the bartender a few bucks, and orders him to “keep ’em coming”. He ogles the New Relationship blonde all night and passes out on a banquet table, his face in a slice of cake.
The New Relationship couple: This couple is usually HOT (to borrow the very eloquent Hiltonian expression). The guy is a metrosexual, strutting into the reception hall late (because ceremonies are so yesterday) and sitting close to the bar. The woman on his arm, nine times out of ten, is a long-haired blonde. She has an amazing body: long legs, firm arms and perky breasts, and her dress choice is better suited for a South Beach night club than a wedding. It shows off every curve and leaves little to the imagination. She wears very high-heeled stilettos and not only manages to walk confidently, but also dances all night. In most situations, he’s a friend of the groom (a former Single Guy) and this is the first time his girl is meeting his posse. This couple blends into the background during dinner, not paying attention to the toasts or the cake cutting. However, as soon as the dancing starts they take over the dance floor with their sultry moves, and bump and grind in front of the videographer. Grandparents look on in horror while the Single Guys cast knowing glances at each other. Months later, the irate bride will demand they be edited out of the final version of the video.
The Newlyweds: I’m not talking about the bride and groom. The Newlyweds are friends of the bride or the groom who just recently tied the knot, perhaps in the past month or two. They look harmless enough, but in their heads they’re checking out every detail of the wedding to see how theirs measured up. The guy is still a gentleman, pulling out the chair for his new wife and covering her shoulders with his suit jacket if she gets cold. The woman still looks after herself, but her dress choice is slightly more conservative than when they were dating. The couple sticks together for most of the evening and they dance only with each other. The woman looks smug, showing off her still-sparkly engagement ring and wedding band to everyone at their table. The guy, on the other hand, casts longing looks at the Single Guys gathered around the bar.
The “been-dating-forever-when-is-it-my-turn” couple: These two have been together for years, but the guy still hasn’t gotten up the nerve to propose. They spend a large part of the evening apart; he hangs out with the Single Guys by the bar and loudly reminds the groom that “it’s too late to back out now”. She sits next to The Newlyweds and “ooohs” and “ahhhs” while inspecting the wedding bands and hearing about their wedding and honeymoon. When the groom tosses the garter, the “been-dating-forever” guy hides in the bathroom. When the bouquet is tossed, his girlfriend is right in the middle of the pack of Single Girls. As the flowers fly through the air, her expression changes from expectant joy to crushing defeat when the New Relationship girl stretches out her thin, toned arm and dashes any hope of bringing up the topic of marriage for the foreseeable future… At least until the next wedding.
The Pregos: Weddings and pregnancies among groups of friends tend to come in waves. Therefore, it’s not unusual to have three or four pregnant women at one wedding. The Prego waddles into the reception hall in her short polka-dotted dress with puffy sleeves and a little bow marking the division between her breasts and her belly. She makes a big show of ordering a bottle of water and freaks out if the waiter accidentally pours a thimble-full of champagne into her flute. She never dances, but instead watches from the sidelines, absent-mindedly rubbing her expanding belly. Her husband sits quietly by her side, playing the “protective man” role but silently ruminating that just because she can’t drink, it shouldn’t mean that he has to abstain as well. They go home early because she’s tired, and he looks back longingly at all that was and will never be again.
The New Parents: They were told that the wedding was for adults only, but their child is special and therefore obviously exempt from the rule. The father has to carry the child out halfway through the ceremony because the baby decided to make his wet diaper discomfort known at the exact moment the bride and groom were exchanging vows. The mother wears a Laura Ashley dress with flat shoes and a ponytail. If it’s an evening wedding, she’ll wear a shapeless shift dress that falls below her knees. With flat shoes and a ponytail. The New Parents walks into the reception armed with enough supplies to keep a dozen babies comfortable during a weekend at Disneyland. The father pushes the stroller and the mother carries the baby bag, and they inevitably choose to park themselves in the area with the most waiter traffic. The mother will request items that are impossible to procure in a busy catering kitchen, including (but not limited to): baby formula (not brought by them) warmed to body temperature, apple sauce, and Cheerios. The father will nurse his alloted beer throughout dinner, and they’ll depart as soon as the dancing starts because it’s past the baby’s bedtime.
The Single Girl: She’s a friend of the bride and has more bridesmaid dresses than she cares to count. She runs around lighting candles, fixing centerpieces, and making herself useful, hoping that the charitable acts she performs now will cancel out any faux pas caused by the massive amounts of alcohol she plans on consuming later. She wears sensible shoes and switches to flip-flops as soon as the dancing starts. The flip-flops do nothing to flatter her figure, but she pretends not to care as she dances in a circle with the other Single Girls. Her eyes go from the New Relationship blonde who’s bumping and grinding on the dance floor, to the cute Single Guy who’s standing over at the bar… Unfortunately, he’s staring at the blonde.
July 5, 2007 at 4:57 am
“The mother will request items that are impossible to procure in a busy catering kitchen, including (but not limited to): baby formula (not brought by them) warmed to body temperature, apple sauce, and Cheerios.”
NO … WAY. Actually, bar that previous post where someone asked you to wipe the ringbearer’s bottom, what’s the most outrageous/ridiculous thing you’ve been asked to do during a wedding?
This list intrigues me but it rings so true. I shall have to keep an eye out for these folks at the next wedding I’m going to, which is a Chinese banquet in 3 weeks time!
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I’ve been asked to get cuff links 10 minutes before the ceremony (which is THE busiest 10 minutes in the entire event)… But the stupidest request came from a groom who ran out of gas about an hour prior to the wedding and wanted me to go get him gas and bring it to where he was stranded. I recently got a groom who asked me to rent three industrial-sized fans so his groomsmen wouldn’t be hot while getting dressed. The list is endless…
July 5, 2007 at 10:05 am
I lOVE this! So true! Funny – I’ve been almost every category at one time or another – except single guy.
I’ve never been into long haired blondes myself. LOL
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Yeah, brunettes are way hotter. π
July 5, 2007 at 10:42 am
You are hilarious! Great post.
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Glad I could make you laugh. Will any of these characters make an appearance at your wedding?
July 5, 2007 at 11:22 am
Great post, indeed. You should seriously sell this, though at the moment, the right outlet isn’t coming to mind. I think it’s too early for my brain to fully engage. I’ll ruminate and post another comment later.
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Oh, THANK YOU Beth! Coming from you it means A LOT! I look forward to your comment. I have been trying to think of who I can sell some of my wedding stories to (I have more in my head) but somehow a wedding magazine doesn’t seem like the right fit. haha
July 5, 2007 at 3:15 pm
Wow, did you ever hit the nail on the head with this one!! I have seen each and everyone of those people at weddings…and sometimes I have been one of them.
The post would make a good short story especially if you would expand on the characters.
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Well, thank you Joan! I will take you up on that suggestion and work on a short story. π Thanks for the inspiration!
July 5, 2007 at 3:27 pm
Brilliant! You’re absolutely spot-on with every one of these! And it occurs to me that you could probably do an equally insightful post about the different kinds of parents (of groom and bride, I mean) that you find at weddings. There’s a whole mine of crazy there.
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Oh, you mean like the mother who accused the hair stylist of stealing her “diamond” encrusted designer bifocals? The same ones she later found in her hotel room? Or the father of the bride who, in front of the entire group of guests, told the groom, “Our daughter seems to love you, so I guess we like you, too”? I could go on… Maybe I will. π
July 5, 2007 at 4:11 pm
That was excellent. I’ve seen every single person you’ve described…and probably been one of those people a time or two myself (except for that long legged, toned, blonde you mentioned…THAT I have never been!) π
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Nor the Single Guy, I trust? π
July 5, 2007 at 5:28 pm
HAHAHA! I’m a bridesmaid in a September wedding…. trust me, I’ll be on the lookout!
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Don’t take flip-flops and watch out for the leggy blonde!
July 5, 2007 at 5:45 pm
Oh my. These people are walking, talking cliches, aren’t they? I hold the New Parents in special disdain. Your line that “their child is special” is why I take such issue. Naturally, their little Jacob or Emily couldn’t possibly be left at home with…godforbid!…a sitter!! I often wonder: if they saw themselves on videotape, would they–even then–see how insufferable they have allowed their little family unit to become?
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You know, I doubt that someone who has the nerve to ask for baby formula at a wedding (and act shocked when they’re told there’s none available) will ever realize that bringing a baby to an adults-only wedding is just plain wrong.
July 5, 2007 at 6:12 pm
Very entertaining post…it cracked me up. I too have seen these stereotypes so many times.
I have a distinct memory of the leggy blonde at a wedding I went to long ago. Her dress was not only very tight, but completely see-through. When she was dancing all eyes were glued on her. Although it’s probably part sour grapes on my part (as a brunette), I always feel bad when that happens because it’s just not cool to outshine the bride.
I’m glad you have time to squeeze in some quality people-watching even though you’re so busy. Look forward to reading more wedding stories.
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You’re right: Very uncool to outshine the bride. Oh, I’ve got tons of wedding stories! Keep reading!
July 5, 2007 at 7:37 pm
Oh, this was hilarious! And mildly depressing, because it’s so read. You should totally write a book, you know.
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Wow, you guys certainly are inspiring me to write a book of short stories about weddings. π
July 6, 2007 at 12:07 am
sounds like every wedding i’ve been to.
gah, i’m the single girl. i am going to throw out all my flip flops now. π
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Sizzle, I’m sure your flip-flops are fabulous and you look stunning in them!
July 6, 2007 at 2:43 am
Just came from that very wedding this past weekend, and will be going to another one next weekend.
Please, oh please do one on bridesmaid dresses as in is there such a thing as an attractive one? If there is, I’ve never seen it. Except at my wedding many moons ago — when I let everyone pick out their own dress.
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Some aren’t too terrible… But I have stories about a few. I’ll write a post about that in the near future, but in the meantime, I don’t know if you read this one:
July 6, 2007 at 5:09 am
Girl, if you do not know about this site already, you MUST visit:
http://godawfulweddingcrap.blogspot.com/
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I didn’t know it existed, thanks An9ie! It’s sooooooo funny!!
July 6, 2007 at 10:28 am
To the best of my knowledge none of those people will be in attendance. It’ll be 95% family, and the rest are long-time friends in stable relationships with wives and children.
I tried to get this hot chick I met through blogging to come, but she’s leaving the country rather than attend.
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HAHA! Hmmm, I wonder if I’d be the leggy blonde… Would leggy brunette work? π
July 9, 2007 at 4:28 pm
This is perfectly written and summarizes each category in a hilarious way. It’s even funnier because it is all true!
October 11, 2007 at 7:39 pm
i_4 i_4,
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July 2, 2009 at 3:42 am
Quite a few people say cuff links are in the past, but from my viewpoint, they are 100% way off. Cuff Links will not go anywhere, maybe to dress up at weddings, special events or for a simple good time. Cufflinks really do spice up someones attire and whenever I gift a pair to a loved one, they think it’s the coolest thing to happen to them since the invention of the wheel.